Epiphany
by fromthehillbythelake
Summary: What happened in the Clare/Jake/Eli truck ride home from Jake's cottage.  Eclare oneshot.


**Ohh, this be angst-filled. If you want light and fluffy, wait till the next chapter of "Rock and Saving Grace" haha. Well, after watching 'Nowhere to Run' last night, I can hardly say I'm impressed with the story lines right now... **

**Granted, the road the Degrassi writers are taking to get to Endgame is freaking long and bumpy and treacherous, but eff, it's still THE road. **

**I felt I had to write this because Clare Edwards is so not impressing me right now. I miss the intelligent, caring, rational, selfless, loving Clare we knew and loved, so for now, Eclare is on hold for me until she gets her ass in gear. She's my favourite, but I miss the old Clare. **

**Lordy, Eli and Clare, they have so many problems, but won't it be beautiful when they re-unite, ohhh the UST. **

**Anyway, hope you enjoy! **

**p.s. In my version of this post "Nowhere to Run" oneshot, Eli and Clare kissed in the woods...so ye.**

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><p>She'd kissed him.<p>

He'd nearly died.

So he knew it was too good to be true. It was disgusting actually, how much he'd believed it was real. Just roll over and play the _on-the-side-boy-toy-fuck-up-that-no-one-knows-about. _Sounds about right.

He thought she just wanted to wait to tell everyone. He thought she was just acting sisterly towards Jake. _He thought, he thought, he thought..._

He thought wrong.

And after the first hour of riding in the car with them, he could no longer ignore the the loving glances they exchanged, or the flirtatious banter they displayed, or the bile he felt rising up his throat.

And then he _knew_. They were still together. He was just the pawn, used in their sick little love game. When he'd been thinking how much he'd loved her, she'd been thinking of how to make Jake jealous.

"Hey, can we stop the car?" Eli asked suddenly, his teeth grinding when he saw Clare slap Jake's hand away from the radio dial.

"What, now?" Jake asked, slightly affronted. They were in the middle of nowhere.

"Now, please, just let me out, I can't-" Eli grunted, his heart racing. He had to refrain from hitting the armrest.

"Sure man," Jake agreed, his voice thinly laced with concern. Clare looked over at him, and Eli shut his eyes, almost in pain.

"Jake! There's a little gas station! In one kilometer," Clare pointed at a sign, patting Eli on the back. That just made him want to tuck-n-roll out of the piece of shit truck.

"Do you need your meds?" she asked after they'd pulled in, and Eli moaned slightly. "We're here, we're here..." she said soothingly, and as soon as Jake stopped the truck, Eli belted out the passenger door.

"I'm fine, I'll be right back, uh, Jesus," Eli said, nearly tripping, "Thanks Jake, I'll be back soon, just gimme some time...got car sick..."

"Wait, Eli, what're you-" Clare began, but he'd already lifted his bike out of the trunk and was staggering towards the station.

"Want me to...?" Jake asked, but Clare shook her head. "It's okay, I'll go see what's up, just give us a minute okay?" she smiled, leaning over to give him a small peck on the lips. "Be right back."

"I'll be here," Jake mused, turning to hold the steering wheel. Clare jumped from the car, following just behind Eli.

He threw his bike against the washroom siding, before disappearing behind the shack-like structure. Eli heard Clare calling his name a few more times before she turned the small corner too, the both of them out of Jake's line of sight. She was just about to offer him some water from her purse she carried over, when he promptly threw up, heaving miserably.

"Eli! Are you-" Clare began, reaching over him in concern. He moved away, unable to look at her. He took a couple more strained heaves before resting his hands on his knees.

"Oh Eli, here, let me-" she said softly, ruffling through her purse.

"No," he uttered, "you've done enough, it's fine...go back to the truck, I'm fine."

"Eli, it's okay, do you need me to get your medication? You brought it with you, right? You looked a little pale in the car...here, have some gum..." she smiled, holding out a stick, and placing her purse on the ground.

"Clare," he warned, pulling out some gum from his _own_ damn pocket and kicking dirt over his mess, "just go back to the truck." She stopped suddenly, flinching at his tone.

"Is something-" she tried to ask, but he cut her off with a violent wave of his hand. Then, he placed his hands behind his neck, his back still turned to her.

"Just go away," he pleaded, his voice breaking. "Just go back to the _damn_ truck..."

"What's wrong with you?" she asked carefully, slightly hurt, slightly miffed.

"Everything," he mumbled just loud enough for her to hear. She reached a hand out towards his back, but he jerked away, rolling his shoulders.

"Why did you _fucking_ kiss me?" he rasped, his fists clenching at his sides. "How could-" he didn't finish, his jaw clenching in anger. Clare hesitated. _How had she let everything get so messed up?_

"Eli," she whispered, not knowing what else to say, "let's just get you your pills, I don't want you to have a panic attack, _please_..."

"I don't need them," he laughed harshly. He felt her pleading eyes on him, and he risked a glance back, forever cursing himself and his inability to defy her, to disappoint her.

"Do you know what your kisses mean to me?" he asked, finally facing her. That caught her off guard - the question, his demeanor; it all terrified her.

"I-" she began.

"Do you?" he pressed, his voice hard. She wished he'd yell. She couldn't stand his quiet disappointment.

"_Everything_," he confessed.

She whimpered helplessly. "If you don't love...you shouldn't have kissed me," he said brusquely, pulling at his shirt to calm himself down. Clare took a step towards him.

"Get away from me. Please."

"I was confused!" she whimpered, "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just...I don't know, things are just all messed up...I don't know what to do-"

"Just shut up, Clare."

She gasped, falling apart at his words. He'd never spoken to her like that before. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I just won't be your pity kiss. I can't be."

"It's not like that!" she cried. His words cut her so terribly that she thought she would bleed.

"You don't love me," he muttered, "you pity me. I'm not that kind of guy. Either you're in or you're not. You love me or you don't. I'm not just some toy-"

"What do you want from me, Eli?" Clare shouted, unable to contain herself, "The kiss was _nothing_, forget it!" The words were tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them. Her whole body shook, and she wished she could take it all back.

"Who _are_ you?" he breathed. "Who is this girl who leaves her friends, abandons what she believes - I just don't get it."

"I'm still me," she offered helplessly, her heart aching.

"Are you?" he asked solemnly. That made her feel very small, and _very_ defensive.

"People change, Eli!" she blurted angrily, unwilling to endure his harsh assessment of her, especially since she was starting to believe it might be true. "I've had a rough time, and I've been through a lot, and I'm tired of it!"

"I hope you're very happy with Jake," he said suddenly, turning his back to her again.

"What?" she stuttered, dizzy with emotion.

"He likes a very different Clare than the one I knew, and you're a very different Clare when you're with him, so I hope you two are happy together."

Clare could've slapped him, but she dropped to her knees instead, biting back her tears. Everything in his heart was screaming at him to go to her, but this time his head prevailed.

"I'm going to bike the rest of the way home," he said quietly, walking over to his bike leaning against the siding. "I won't bother you at school-"

"It's too far for you to ride home!" she interrupted tearfully, "You just threw up-"

"I'll manage," he said roughly. _Coldly_. He paced in front of her with his bike, before adding, "Have a nice ride home with Jake. Your secret's safe with me."

Then Clare dissolved into a flood of tears; hot, wet, angry, guilty tears.

"Fine," she sobbed, noticing he hadn't left yet. "_Go_."

He breathed out slowly, kicking at the ground. Then he dropped his bike, kneeling down in front of her. She wanted to push him away, but found herself trembling when he put his arms around her waist.

"It'll be okay," he said softly. She wanted to hate him, but her body betrayed her when she moved closer to rest her head on his chest. He looked down, breathing deeply, and didn't look away when she raised her head to meet his gaze. He brought his lips over hers this time, kissing her chastely - a kiss that promised to take all her pain away.

"What was that?" she sighed when they broke apart, her guilt drowning her again.

"Nothing," he said, pulling away from her, leaving her on the ground. _Nothing_, like what she said their last kiss was. She brought her hand to her lips, still slightly out of breath, marveling at the electricity that crackled through her. He mounted his bike silently, and grabbed his leather jacket from the back of Jake's truck. Clare heard them exchange awkward goodbyes, before she stood up and peeked around the corner to see Eli riding off into the sunset.

She panicked instantly when she realized Eli would be biking in the dark, but couldn't bring herself to move. _She'd already messed up so much. _Clare took a deep breath, praying he'd be careful especially after what happened to Julia, and stumbled back to Jake's car.

"Hey Clare-bear," Jake smiled, and for some reason, Clare was more ashamed by his attempts at flirtatious banter than usual. She smiled in return, turning her head slightly when he leaned in to kiss her.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his expression tender.

"Can we follow Eli with the car for a bit?" she asked him, "I just want to make sure he makes it most of the way alright."

"Sure," Jake obliged, igniting the engine. "You okay?"

She nodded slowly, shifting further away from him on the seat. "I think so." They drove in comfortable silence for a couple moments, Jake glancing at her every-so-often. Finally, Clare spoke.

"I think I'm going to call Alli when I get home."

Jake nodded.

"Thanks for driving," Clare murmured, leaning her head against the window to stare outside it. "I'm just going to...I'm tired."

Jake nodded again. "That sure was an interesting trip," he laughed lamely, and Clare smiled.

"Yeah, an epiphany," she said, feeling more like herself than she had in ages.

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><p><strong>Review lovelies? :)<strong>


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